Practicing Self-Kindness: A Vital Component of Self-Compassion

Happy Valentine's Day ❤️

A Valentine's Day Self-Kindness Practice from Tidal Shift Counseling

This holiday is the perfect opportunity to recognize relationships and to highlight the most important relationship of all- the one that we have with ourselves. This relationship is incredibly important to prioritize, as it is the only relationship that will span your entire lifetime.

Dr. Kristen Neff, a pioneering researcher in the field of self-compassion, identifies three elements that comprise self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. While each component is integral to the practice of self-compassion, self-kindness holds a special place as the cornerstone of this transformative process and will be highlighted in this post.

At its essence, self-kindness is the act of treating oneself with warmth, gentleness, and empathy– much like we would treat a dear friend or loved one in need. It involves extending grace to ourselves in moments of struggle, failure, or pain, rather than succumbing to self-criticism or judgment. Self-kindness pushes back against the harsh inner critic that we all experience from time to time.

Self-kindness can be practiced in your daily life through cultivation of self-compassionate language. Pay attention to your inner dialogue and notice self-critical thoughts. Instead of speaking negatively to yourself for perceived shortcomings or mistakes, speak to yourself with kindness and understanding. Dr. Neff suggests using of the following self-compassionate phrases:

"It's okay to struggle; everyone faces challenges."

"I'm doing the best I can, and that's enough."

"It's okay to be imperfect; I'm only human, and that's enough."

"I'm here for myself, offering love and support during difficult times."

An example of (fictional, AI-inspired) practice:

{{Jane Doe sits at her desk in her home-office and is feeling overwhelmed. She's been working on a detailed presentation for weeks. As the deadline looms closer, self-doubt creeps in, and her anxiety skyrockets. Pounding heart. Racing pulse. Rapid fire thoughts.

As Jane reviews her slides for the umpteenth time, she notices a small mistake in one of the graphs. Panic sets in as her inner critic berates her for being careless and incompetent. Her thoughts spiral and she begins to tell herself that her entire presentation will be a failure.

Just then, Jane remembers to extend self-kindness. She says the following to herself: "It's okay to be imperfect; I'm only human, and that's enough." Taking a deep breath, she pauses to reflect on this phrase. She reminds herself that perfection is an unrealistic standard and that everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Jane has acknowledged her anxiety and perfectionistic tendencies. She gently reminds herself that her worth isn't defined by the outcome of her presentation. She's allowed to be human, flaws and all, and that's more than enough.

Jane decides to take a break from her work and engage in some self-care activities to soothe her frayed nerves. She takes a walk outside with her dog, feeling the warmth of the sun on her face and the gentle breeze against her skin. As she breathes in the fresh air, she feels a sense of calm wash over her.

Returning to her desk with a renewed sense of perspective, Jane approaches her experience with kindness and understanding. She accepts the imperfections in her work and focuses on doing her best rather than striving for perfection. With each slide she revises, she repeats the mantra, "It's okay to be imperfect; I'm only human, and that's enough."

As Jane delivers her presentation in the office the following day, she feels a sense of confidence and ease that is a stark contract to what was experienced the prior day. She knows that she's done her best, imperfections and all, and that's all she can ask of herself. Jane receives positive feedback from her colleagues, and she realizes that self-kindness truly is the key to navigating life's challenges with grace and resilience.}}

It's important to remember that self-compassion is not about striving for perfection. As Jane's story highlighted, perfection is not attainable. It will take effort and practice to integrate this new skill into your life.

I challenge you to raise awareness of your thinking and offer yourself kindness.

You deserve kindness. You deserve compassion. Always.

If this resonates and you're interested in receiving individual therapy that integrates self-compassion work, contact me or schedule a complimentary. consultation call.